life is unfair

요즘 기분 너무 이상하다.

살면서 이런건 정말 처음이다.

항상 우울하거나 기분안좋을때 아이스크림이나 맛나는거 하나 먹으면 정말 땡이었는데 요즘은 입맛도 없고 그렇게 좋아라 먹던것도 먹으면 배만 채운 기분일뿐 기분은 여전히 뾰류퉁.

그렇다고 해도 난 그냥 그러녀니 살았걸랑?

나도 내가 이런줄 몰랐는데 친구들이 요즘 힘든거 같다는 얘기하니 나도 느꼈다. 내가 요즘 힘들다는걸.

 

요즘 사는게 왜이리 힘드나? 정말 우리 엄마 시대 여자들이 부러울 정도로 왜 이렇게 사회가 바꼈는지 모르겠다. 모든것이 살아남기 위한 싸움같이 여겨지니 힘들지 않으면 이상한거갔기도 하지만, 왜 다들 이렇게 살아야 하는지 정말 개떡같다.

 

이런걸 즐기는 사람들이 있으니까 그러겠지. 미친놈들 -_-

emotional wreck

yesterday my menstrual period started. and i have never been happier. except during the time when i had a boyfriend. currently i am utterly single and suffering from intense stress from mom and lsats. combined with pms is just awful. i hate being a girl. this has got to be the worst pms i’ve had in my life. it gets worse every month. i’m considering birth control - for emotional well being.

in the past it was just crazy appetite and almost nothing in terms of my mood. but now it’s both.

and lately i’ve been feeling the desire to really like someone. i’ve probably wrote about my conclusion that i’m incapable of feeling deeply for someone for longer than 3 months. what the fuck is wrong with me? i should’ve just been born a guy.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

i really think it’s korea. i don’t have many friends here. i know many many people but i don’t even know some of their last names. this place is such a man’s world. i have become so self-conscious about my looks and i never used to put on make up or look twice at the mirror. but now i have a mirror with me all the time and even some make up.

and it gets to me when people tell me that i need to lose weight. yea i’m not skinny but i don’t want to be. it didn’t bother me that people thought skeletal is trendy. i don’t want to look like that. but i do now. not all the time, but i do. i want to know it feels like to be skinny.

i also want to know what it feels like to be loved. and to love. is that so much to ask for really?

i’m just having all the downers that women in their early 20s must go through. is there something i’m missing?

parental unit love

i totally love my parents.

but i really dislike them. i mean really really. i dread going home and find all kinds of excuses to stay out later even if it means i have to stay at the library. sucky thing is that the library closes at 11. it makes me so unhappy to have them be home when i get home. especially when i do not have my own room. i think even if i had my own room i would be stressed.

the past few days on my trip with my friend, i really realized that when i live in close proximity of my parents, mainly my mom, i’m unhappy. there is a definite difference of my attitude and mood when she’s visiting me and it’s 100% not-positive.

my closest friend here told me that i do not seem happy. and that didn’t even occur to me that i would be unhappy. i thought i was the most happy-go-lucky person with a bitchy attitude. but apparently it was just all pure bitch-dom.

two faced

people. i think at some point in an average person’s life there are moments when we become two-faced and act completely different. however you wouldn’t normally expect that of people who have received a post-undergraduate education and have been participating in the bigger world, aka real world.

i suppose lawyers being two faced isn’t very surprising since they’re sometimes better known as “liars.” but that’s only in court isn’t it? when they’re trying to fulfill their clients’ needs? not when you’re speaking of some intern right?

wrong.

i’ve been translating documents over documents the past 4 months at this firm. i don’t have any formal translating experience nor do i claim my korean to be superb. i always tell people my korean sucks. especially when lawyers ask me to translate legal documents, which is basically in a completely different language requiring me to choose from sometimes 7 different meaning of the same word. even people in their 30s have a hard time telling me the definition of a word. so i always told them as a disclaimer that my korean is not good.

apparently they were bringing complaints to the lawyer that hired me. 1) they don’t notify/ask him if they can ask me for translations. i wasn’t hired as a translator yet they used me as one, only 2 of them have paid me extra in addition to my monthly pay. 2) when i tell them my korean is not good they still ask me to translate it. so how is it suppose to make me feel when i find that they’re complaining to HIM not even to me, the one who actually translated the damn thing.

whatever. i’m so over it.

ALCOHOOOOOOOOL

yes yes yes i love thee. came across this article while reading Belle’s blog and decided i must read and now post about it. or just steal some quotes and make my blog more interesting. heh heh

“In general, darker drinks, such as red wine and whiskey, have higher levels of congeners—impurities produced by the fermentation process, or added to enhance flavor—than do light-colored drinks such as white wine, gin, and vodka. The greater the congener content, the uglier the morning.” -> must remember at all times

“..A woman who matches drinks with a man is going to get drunk faster than he, partly because she has less body water than he does, and less of the enzyme alcohol dehydrogenase, which breaks down alcohol. Apparently, your genes also have a vote, as does your gene pool. Almost forty per cent of East Asians have a variant, less efficient form of aldehyde dehydrogenase, another enzyme necessary for alcohol processing. Therefore, they start showing signs of trouble after just a few sips—they flush dramatically—and they get drunk fast.” -> that is thoroughly annoying. the asian glow. hate that sham.

“…An English manual, Andrew Irving’s “How to Cure a Hangover” (2004), devotes almost a hundred pages to hair-of-the-dog recipes, including the Suffering Bastard (gin, brandy, lime juice, bitters, and ginger ale); the Corpse Reviver (Pernod, champagne, and lemon juice); and the Thomas Abercrombie (two Alka-Seltzers dropped into a double shot of tequila). Kingsley Amis suggests taking Underberg bitters, a highly alcoholic digestive: “The resulting mild convulsions and cries of shock are well worth witnessing. But thereafter a comforting glow supervenes.” Many people, however, simply drink some more of what they had the night before. My Ukrainian informant described his morning-after protocol for a vodka hangover as follows: “two shots of vodka, then a cigarette, then another shot of vodka.” A Japanese source suggested wearing a sake-soaked surgical mask.” (so it’s not only in santa barbara??)

(sentences with scientific jargon that i do not want to include) …”This will not eliminate the hangover—the methanol (indeed, more of it now) is still waiting for you round the bend—but it delays the worst symptoms.”

“…After a few drinks with Red Bull, you’re drunk but you don’t know it, and therefore you may engage in high-risk behaviors—driving, going home with a questionable companion—rather than passing out quietly in your chair.”

“Alcohol researchers: stay away from coffee—it’s a diuretic and will make you more dehydrated.)”

“RU-21 (i.e., Are you twenty-one?)…K.G.B…blah blah blah….But no, what those scientists discovered, really by accident, was a way to prevent hangover.” (Like many other O.T.C. remedies, RU-21 is best taken before or while drinking, not the next morning.)”

“Furthermore, many people believe that alcohol abusers should suffer the next morning—that this is a useful deterrent.” only for a week. HA HA

can you tell that i am a big fan of alcohol? perhaps bordering alcoholic? i think i am. i don’t think i’ve gone over a week without drinking some kind of alcoholic beverage at least once a week since 1st year college.

that’s a lot of alcohol.

but being raise by a man who loves alcohol and was disappointed that his wife could not drink more than 1/4 of a wine glass, i was given my first shot of soju at the tender age of 13. dad’s reasoning was that “it’s better to learn how to drink alcohol with me than learning in college.” i guess he was right. but i don’t think he took into account that i would take the sign of me not throwing up while drinking with my dad was a sign that i am an AWESOME alcohol consumer. which proved to be wrong at my first frat party in college - before classes started. i am sooo cool. by the way, the hangover lasted for about a week. that was probably the worst hangover i’ve had.

even after my worst hangover ever, i’ve had many very bad hangovers since then. more than i could count.

and now that i am in korea, where alcohol is a huge part of its culture (especially business culture), i find myself drinking much more often, but smaller amount compared to the states. in the states we drink to “get fucked up at his pad before we go to the club so we don’t have to spend money at the club.” but here it’s more like “let’s go to the bar and drink where our parents won’t be there and we won’t have to spend money at the club but we won’t get fucked up because we have to be sober enough to take ourselves home.”

bam. right there is the worst part about partying in korea. you always have to be sober enough to take yourself home. i mean it’s possible that you can in fact go home by yourself as long as your friends hail you a cab and you’re conscious enough to pay the cab driver, if you have enough money that is. but it’s not the safest way to go home if you’re a girl and half unconscious.

that doesn’t stop many of us from drinking, however. sometimes it’s great that we can take cabs because now no one has to drink and drive! but none of us even have cars so that’s not even an issue.

conclusion? i love alcohol. i really can’t imagine my life without it. when i do hate it, which is very rare, it’s due to my own miscalculations. so i can’t blame anyone but me. i’ll just have to keep myself in check.

solitude

never have i ever had so much appreciation for solitude. it was never difficult to acquire in the states, but here in Korea it must be the ultimate treasure in this hell in disguise of fun fueled by alcohol, cigarettes & money. another problem is that there are just way too many people and housing is extremely pricey for recent college graduates to afford. which explains why there are so many cafes in korea. most young early to mid twenties people in korea cannot afford their own place and have no other choice but to live with their parents. even for people who have grown up in the states and are accustomed to western customs live with their parents in korea. it’s just the obvious choice unless you have no family here.

i, however, am fortunate enough to have my own officetel in this city thanks to my gracious parents who chose to live in the farmland way down below near the end of the peninsula (actually just my dad, my mom hates it there too). however, my mom has been staying with me for the past 13 days and it has been awful. it would have been more bearable if i had my own room but for those who are not aware officetel is basically a studio with built in closet, kitchnette, bathroom and laundry machine with just enough living space for one.

imagine having this perfect living space intruded by your mother. and please please don’t get me wrong but i love my mom. i just canNOT live with her in small spaces anymore. it’s been over 8 years since the last time i officially lived with them and habits cannot be changed easily. and because i am a daughter she has certain expectations from me unlike my aunts who only have sons and do not expect those things from their kids.

example: actually telling them your problems, what your day was like (what i did at work today and what i plan to do after), what i ate for lunch, boy problems if any, taking them to new restaurants and basically the girly shit that you would do with your friends, calling them everyday, etc.

first of all i don’t really do this on a regular basis with my friends. i don’t like to talk about work because it’s boring shit and i hate it. i don’t talk about lunch unless it was spectacular or made me sick afterwards. and i do not have any boy issues whether it be good or bad.

secondly, i do not like to talk on the phone unless i have something specific to say. except with my best friend, him i can talk to for hours.

and lastly, i really am like a boy. many of my girlfriends want their boyfriends to be like me. having the appearance of a female and enough empathy to understand their problems as i sometimes have them to, but with a more of a masculine perspective than feminine. even my guy friends tell me this. best expressed is by my best friend.

“grace, you’ve gotten a lot more feminine on the outside. but more masculine on the inside since i first met you” (which was about 7~8 years ago)

i’ve tried to explain this “problem” to my mom. i asked to please see me as her “child” not necessarily as her “daughter.” i don’t think she was happy to hear this.

my god i digress too much.

the point of this post was solitude and in my attempt to explain my newfound appreciation for it i dug deeper than i originally intended.

i haven’t been able to be just alone. everywhere i go my mom always has to know where i am and i just can’t have that. why can’t she just let me be? go places when i want and go wherever i want with whoever i want without having to check in with her all the time. and after a long day of dealing with people is it so hard to be asked to be left alone? or to have some silence in the morning and not open my mouth? why must she start the day by ruining the silence already intruded by the traffic outside and even after i’ve asked her to give me some space in the morning and after promising to do so she keeps talking. her excuse is: “i can’t help it.” then i say, then don’t come here. but i do not.

*sigh*

there are so many times in a span of 24 hours where i wish to have been born a guy. except when i’m shopping i just love that. ^^

is it insomnia?

wtf is it?? the past 2-3 nights i have not been sleeping well.

i have no problem falling asleep. but once i am asleep i wake up with in 1 or 2 hours but i feel like i’ve slept for at least 5 hours. then i fall asleep really fast only to wake up in 2 hours AGAIN. then i fall asleep again and wake up at the normal time.

why is this going on? i don’t wake up because i have nightmares or because i’m extremely worried about something. i want to blame this on my mom visiting me for over a week but 1) that makes me feel guilty and 2) there is no way she could be the cause of my unusual sleeping hours.

i am not enjoying this at ALL

out of my control

i hate that i can’t control what my mind decides to think about.

especially in terms of failed attempt at relationships and my mind just wants to remind me of the boy who seemed so perfect. and who also reminded me that all boys are, in the end, the same. i hate to generalize but i have yet to be proved wrong in terms of boys.

i mean the boys who i have a 100% platonic relationships with are so awesome and they would make wonderful romantic partner, but they’re friends. so that’s a no.

it also bugs me when i start to think that i may have feelings for someone who i normally wouldn’t let myself be attracted to. the winner goes to short guys. i’m 5′6″ which puts me on a rather tall group than short and i always make fun of couples where the girl is taller. but maybe i should stop doing that. i’ve once dated a guy who was shorter than me and to this day i wonder (after 5 years) if it didn’t work out because of his height.

and in the present day i find myself feeling so comfortable and at ease with this wonderful guy who is cute in all aspects, but cannot let the height thing go. he’s like exactly the same height.

a lot of times i wish i were short. but that’s also out of my control

when i

am using the great public transportation system of seoul by myself, i always like to look at other people who are also alone to see what their facial expression is like.

• when i see girls i always wonder whether they had work done or not.
• when i see guys i always wonder whose ass/boobs they’re checking out.
• when i see students in their uniform i always wonder how old i look to them.
• when i catch others looking at me i wonder if i look like an aborigine korean or korean-american that i am. and also if i look dumb or smart.
• when i see other people watching tv shows/movies on their DMB (Digital Multimedia Broadcasting) i like to see what they’re watching and perhaps watch with them. then i think, why don’t i just use mine? i don’t anyway.

i’ve seen some really funny people though. one time i was going home from LSAT class and i saw this guy, actually probably a man; which is what he appeared to be despite his baby blue Nintendo DS and making circles on the screen incessantly as if his life depended on it.

o and this other time i was just reading and not looking at other people and this old lady in front of me actually hit me! yes, HIT. she also simultaneously said something but i could not comprehend what she was saying. but she looked really angry and i think she wanted me to get off. i actually asked her what she wanted, and when she just repeated the same sham she was yelling i said “don’t freakin worry about it i’m getting off soon anyway.” i used the word “freakin” because i didn’t actually use the inappropriate word equivalent to fuckin’.

the monsoon season started which means everyone has umbrellas. it was barely sprinkling on the way to work so i didn’t use my umbrella, but it was extremely windy. so the people who were walking in the opposite direction had their umbrella covering their face/upper body. to me that was just the funniest thing: i just saw bunch of opened umbrellas walking towards me with different legs. i wanted to take a picture but unfortunately i was running a little late and left my camera at home. it would have also made me look very odd, which i’m trying to not think about these days. i’d like to be able to do things w/o caring whether people are looking or not.

living without internet

it’s been about 2.5 months since i’ve moved into my officetel. before i continue, i must explain that i used to be obssessed! it was kind of sad. i wouldn’t say it was to the point where i was addicted, but i needed to be on AIM 24/7 and when i was afk i would put up an away message with detailed explanation of what i was doing and when i would be back.

then as i started to find joy in life away from the internet, i started idling, ready for this?, without away message *GASP* that was a really big step for me.

throughout college, my girlfriends always came to me for computer help. i guess to the regular feminine eye i could be seen as a computer nerd since i just love it and would marry it if i could. especially macs. they’re just so pretty and function perfectly well to my needs. even though i don’t have one yet i am going to purchase it for law school so i can add some more numbers to my debt.

anyways, i digress.

point is, i’ve moved to my place almost 3 months ago and still didn’t get internet or cable service (not that i watch a lot of tv or anything) and i don’t really have the desire to get internet. only sometimes when i’m really bored at home. i’m not home all day. i just come to eat (sometimes), sleep and shower. so when i am home i just want to relax and wind down. i don’t really want to be on the internet checking blogs, facebook and e-mails (which would have constituted as relaxing activities 1 year ago). so now i find myself fulfilling all my internet needs at work. it just works out great because it’s much easier to appear busy by surfing the net than reading a book.

maybe i am growing up! but that’s contradicting my desire to never have to grow up. i want to be a kid. forever. at least at heart. but perhaps appear intellectual? i suppose we’ll just have to see.

i still haven’t decided that i will live without internet for the remainder of time i’m going to be in korea. but i think i can live without it. and i’m proud of myself for that. *pat on the back*